Anica

Word salad

After 2 weeks when she seemed so clear, mom’s dementia seemed so much worse again the last 24 hours. It may be that she overmedicated when her pill dispenser wasn’t filled last week before I could get there, which caused her to get time dysregulated, and that things will settle again. Or it could be being affected by her seeming a bit ill this week, but we just talked for 40 minutes, and it was hard to understand her.

Words were confused, sentences and thought content blending together, and even a couple points where she just made some sounds that weren’t quite words.

Every time we have this kind of progression, I am always left wondering if things will improve again at some point in the ebb and flow or if it’s a forever change. It also makes me feel very worried about her being alone even though (knock on wood) we haven’t had much in the way of actual danger. But I am feeling the need to get her more help asap.

Monday continues

I was able to squeeze in a workout after I dropped off Ella (no 9am client today) and ran a laundry.

Now I’m having a super early lunch between clients. Feeling a little calmer. Mom took an hour long nap and back on a normal day routine now. Ella is in good hands with Carol. Trying to calm my nervous system and re-regulate. Will see what the rest of the day brings.

Monday morning

It’s not even 7, and I’m already feeling maxed out. Can see mom has been up all night minus a nap on the couch, and I’m trying to coach her into getting into bed for a bit. Meanwhile, Ella doesn’t want me to make breakfast or do anything that doesn’t involve holding her.

We need to get the day ready so I can work, but I’m spent, and the day has barely begun. Hopefully, I can squeeze some self tending at some point once I drop her off.

Sweet Friday

Sometimes, on Fridays, I get a few hours to myself, and wow, it is incredible how much better I feel after that.

Today, I worked until noon, raced home, worked out, ate lunch, cleaned the house, read for a little bit, and caught up on therapy notes. I was still able to get gas and pick up Ella by 330 in time to take a 90 min walk, grocery shop for myself and a few things for mom, and cook a nutritious dinner.

It was lovely to come home to a clean house, feel productive, and get some exercise.

Shame spiral

The last few days had continued to be a little bit lower stress – lots of time spent with friends and busy at work. Then, suddenly today, I was so beyond exhausted and also feeling the knockdown effects of having a pneumonia vaccine yesterday.

I ended up walking down a familiar path where I have low patience and end up losing my cool with my mom and daughter and then feeling shameful and terrible basically instantaneously, which to be fair, doesn’t actually prevent me from continuing to lose it the rest of the day.

I’ve noticed this has a couple of main triggers: with my daughter, I get really snippy around sleep, especially when I’m exhausted myself or am feeling desperate for the post bedtime wind down. But I hate feeling like I am angry with her, and worse to worry that I’ve scared her by being so short with her. I want her to associate sleep with rest and relaxation and rejuvenation, not frustration.

With my mom, these spirals usually occur when we are on the phone or occasionally in person, and she is just not making logical sense but can not comprehend that. Today, she had told me she had taken her pills marked with the day’s date, but then that “someone” had come in when she was out of the room and put a second set on the table. I know better than to argue, but the clear lack of logic here (no one else has been in her house but her) can sometimes spur me to an argument and even some bullying around it. Today, I told her I needed to get off the phone because I couldn’t talk about this “nonsense” anymore. Cue shame spiral.

I know it’s very human to get angry or run out of patience, especially when I’m not feeling well, stressed, and lacking in self care… but dang, it still feels shitty.

Sold my mom’s car today

After some drama with a dead 6 sold mom’s car today! She had her license taken away by her doctor in August when she got her preliminary Alzheimers diagnosis. She hasn’t been very happy about it, not surprisingly, but I’m grateful she hasn’t put up much of a fight either.

A visit from APS

Mysteriously, Adult Protectice Services showed up at the mother’s door this week. I happened to open the camera when I saw someone had set of the Ring motion detector, and there was a social worker. My mom turned him away, saying she was “fine, thank you” and has “people who are helping” her.

He seemed very nice, and on the one hand, if someone is worried about her, I am glad they’re trying to get her some support. At the same time, I can’t help but feel quite suspicious of the vengeful caregiver I had hired and rapidly had to fire who had been extremely unpleasant and threatening to me. My mind has been racing with some paranoia around that or whether someone I know might think I’m not doing enough for my mom.

I tried to call APS to inquire about what was reported but couldn’t get ahold of anyone, at least as of yet.

On Christmas, a police officer came to my mom’s house to “check on her,” which was also quite mysterious. She had been worried about a friend, Paula, who she speaks to on the phone every morning so it’s possible she called the police in her worry, though that seems uncharacteristic. Or someone else called them- this was before the vengeful caregiver. Anyway, maybe one day I’ll get some answers, but I must admit that it’s frustrating wondering.

Much to celebrate

It’s been a really smooth couple of weeks – my mom has been more stable than she has been in months and seems generally pretty happy (albeit a little lonely), I spent a lot of time with friends, Ella took her first real steps, and I hit my financial goals for the first month since I started my private practice in September.

Last night, one of my closest friends, Erika, and I went out for drinks and ordered half the appetizers on the menu. It was nice to laugh and talk and celebrate. It’s been a while since I really felt like there was much to celebrate, so it’s an especially great feeling.

On Forgetting

I’m reading On Forgetting by Therese Flanagan on my lunch breaks. She journals her experience with her mother, who has dementia. It’s what’s inspired me to do the same. It’s so fascinating and validating to read someone else’s daily account – the ups and downs.

When my mom was given her preliminary diagnosis in August of last year, I took out several memoirs and novels about Alzheimers from the library. I wanted to learn in different ways than just from nonfiction type books. It was expansive, informative, also heartbreaking. I’ve been enjoying reading more general novels recently since then. I need more mental breaks from thinking about it all, but I’m glad to be reading Therese’s book in little bites.

First time climbing at the park

Today was the first day since Ella became a climber that I have taken her to our local park- even though we’ve lived here 8 months!

I’ve become aware and feel guilty that so much of our time is rushed, stressed, and doing adult stuff- whether social or errands- and really want to be more conscious of Ella feeling that we are doing more activities geared towards her needs. She likes being out with our friends, don’t get me wrong, but wow, she was so joyful at the park.

I think part of the sandwich generation challenge is I simultaneously feel like I am constantly giving, giving, giving, and yet somehow never doing enough for either Ella or my mom. The guilt feeling permeates so much. I have successfully used a lot of self compassion and coaching, but it sneaks its way in.

Anyway, today was a beautiful day. Ella bravely climbed up the structure a few times, and I helped her to do her first sliding down the wet, slick slide. We had a few face bonks, but she recovered quickly and headed right back to climb some more.

I hope that with the changing weather, it will be easier to find more opportunities to play outside and discover more!