The last few days, I had been feeling more hopeless. I got some good news that I was getting a return on my taxes followed by the bad news the next day that actually there was a typo in the summary and I owe more in taxes than I have in the bank. I felt worried that this meant my business isn’t viable (though today I think I figured out the issue and it’s more of a one-time fluke related to buying my home last year). But given the weight of everything this just felt like one blow too many.
In the meantime, Ella is going through a phase where she is having meltdowns if I don’t hold her when she wants to be held- which includes trips to the grocery store, on walks with friends, when I’m make dinner, etc. And things with my mom, Barbara, are always up and down. It’s exhausting to manage everyone else, especially when I’m feeling more upset myself.
I did get a night out at a bar while a friend stayed with Ella after bed. A glimmer of my past life. And it was fun! But the exhaustion when Ella woke at 5am after I’d only gotten home around 2am probably exacerbated the tiredness and drained feeling on Sunday.
Today, I am feeling more resilient and hopeful. I got in a bunch of exercise, worked, and cleaned a bit. Ella and I had a nice evening, and mom was together enough to handle heating her dinner on her own. It’s amazing how different I feel when I am not feeling so needed and confined by caregiving. It’s the always constant reminder that every day feels different and even the hopelessness ebbs and flows from day to day- to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying my best to get through.
Sandwiched 