The last few days had continued to be a little bit lower stress – lots of time spent with friends and busy at work. Then, suddenly today, I was so beyond exhausted and also feeling the knockdown effects of having a pneumonia vaccine yesterday.
I ended up walking down a familiar path where I have low patience and end up losing my cool with my mom and daughter and then feeling shameful and terrible basically instantaneously, which to be fair, doesn’t actually prevent me from continuing to lose it the rest of the day.
I’ve noticed this has a couple of main triggers: with my daughter, I get really snippy around sleep, especially when I’m exhausted myself or am feeling desperate for the post bedtime wind down. But I hate feeling like I am angry with her, and worse to worry that I’ve scared her by being so short with her. I want her to associate sleep with rest and relaxation and rejuvenation, not frustration.
With my mom, these spirals usually occur when we are on the phone or occasionally in person, and she is just not making logical sense but can not comprehend that. Today, she had told me she had taken her pills marked with the day’s date, but then that “someone” had come in when she was out of the room and put a second set on the table. I know better than to argue, but the clear lack of logic here (no one else has been in her house but her) can sometimes spur me to an argument and even some bullying around it. Today, I told her I needed to get off the phone because I couldn’t talk about this “nonsense” anymore. Cue shame spiral.
I know it’s very human to get angry or run out of patience, especially when I’m not feeling well, stressed, and lacking in self care… but dang, it still feels shitty.
Sandwiched 